


Nothing Else Matters

by scorpio_15



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), Tommy Ratliff (Musician)
Genre: Angst, Explicit Sexual Content, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-29
Updated: 2016-02-29
Packaged: 2018-05-23 23:46:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6134221
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scorpio_15/pseuds/scorpio_15
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This fic was requested by the winner of the January monthly drawing.  The requested prompt included a declaration of love from Tommy, dates, steamy sex and an ending left up to the author, either fairy tale or heartbreak.  </p><p>Many thanks to PyroBatz for the beta <3</p><p>For your chance to win a fic, enter the monthly drawing by donating here! http://scorpio-15.livejournal.com/45475.html</p><p>Winners are chosen at random on the last day of every month.  Please see my twitter account @ScorpioIsRising for winner announcements and updates.  Thank you!</p>
    </blockquote>





	Nothing Else Matters

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was requested by the winner of the January monthly drawing. The requested prompt included a declaration of love from Tommy, dates, steamy sex and an ending left up to the author, either fairy tale or heartbreak. 
> 
> Many thanks to PyroBatz for the beta <3
> 
> For your chance to win a fic, enter the monthly drawing by donating here! http://scorpio-15.livejournal.com/45475.html
> 
> Winners are chosen at random on the last day of every month. Please see my twitter account @ScorpioIsRising for winner announcements and updates. Thank you!

**The Declaration**

1

It took every ounce of Tommy’s courage to type the words and press send. Every ounce. When he’d done it, he turned off his phone. Literally powered it off. He had nothing left to deal with a response, be it positive or negative. Then he crawled into bed and went to sleep. When he woke up twelve hours later feeling somewhat rejuvenated, he turned his phone back on and braced himself for a reply. There was none.

2

Adam stared at the words for a long time. They weren’t registering in his brain. Perhaps if he looked at them long enough, they would make sense. But it wasn’t working, and after twenty minutes his eyes started to water from prolonged staring and not enough blinking. He put down his phone and turned the words over in his mind instead, trying to get them to sink in. He shook his head slowly. No, it just wasn’t possible. Adam sighed. He was so tired and had just been about to go to bed when he got Tommy’s text. Maybe things would make sense in the morning.

But the morning held no revelations and the words were still there, as real as could be and not a dream as he’d hoped: I am in love with you. This had to be a joke. There was no way Tommy was in love with him. Okay sure, he’d fantasized about being with Tommy and who could blame him? That boy was about the prettiest thing he’d ever had the pleasure to kiss. But love? No. Fan service and wet dreams, that was all it had been. 

_Maybe I should call him._ The thought made Adam cringe. How awkward would that be? Hey Tommy, I got your text and you were just kidding around, right, because you really had me there for a minute. Adam rolled his eyes, got out of bed and shuffled into the bathroom. He was still tired. Although his Original High tour had been an incredible success, it had taken a lot out of him. _I just need a shower and some food, then I’ll send a response._

He took a shower and ate breakfast, and then got distracted with unpacking his tour bags. More things distracted him after that: getting resettled into his house, making a shopping list, calling friends to let them know he was home, and before he knew it the day was half over. Fuck. He owed Tommy a response. They were good friends after all. Friends. That was it! That’s how he’d handle this. Adam pulled his phone out of his pocket and sent a reply: Love you, too, my friend.

3

Now it was Tommy’s turn to stare. “That’s the best he could come up with?” he said out loud, almost shouting. Tommy was sure that Adam knew what he’d meant. _I bet he doesn’t think I’m serious. Well I’ll show him._ He wasn’t about to let five years of soul searching go down the toilet. “I’ll show you,” he whispered to Adam’s text message, fighting the urge to cry. He went to bed that night thinking of Adam, as he had countless nights before. He dreamt of Adam, a recurring dream of passionate lovemaking, where Adam would stretch him open slow and wide and enter him so sweet, so sweet. He stained the sheets as he came in his dream, shuddering with pleasure.

The next day he made plans. If he hadn’t been Tommy, he might have gone about things differently. He might have called Adam and asked to have lunch together. He might have brought the subject up gently and opened his heart to Adam. But he was Tommy, and so he went about things is his own Tommy way.

**The Wooing**

4

An hour after he got home from lunch with Danielle, Adam’s phone buzzed with an alert that someone was at his property gate. He opened the app and saw a small delivery truck on the screen. After adjusting the camera angle via the app, he was able to make out the logo on the truck: Flower Explosion. Adam tapped a button and spoke into his phone. “Can I help you?” He watched a man lean out of the truck and press the intercom switch near the gate.

“Got a flower delivery for you, Mr. Lambert.”

Flowers? No one who knew his home address had reason to send him flowers. Except… Adam felt his stomach sink. “Who are they from?”

“Thomas Ratliff.”

 _Oh crap. Crapity crap._ He had foolishly hoped that not hearing from Tommy for a few days meant the matter was closed. _Crap._ “I’ll come and get them.”

“Uh, you might want me to drive them up to you,” said the deliveryman. “It’d be a lot for you to carry.”

_Well that sounds ominous._

It turned out to be worse than ominous. When the deliveryman finally left, Adam’s entire living room was full of black roses. They were hideous. What in god’s name had Tommy been thinking, sending him these? Far from romantic, the roses were depressing and made Adam think of death. They even looked like they had died. He should have refused the delivery. What the hell was he supposed to do with these horrible things, throw them away? Tommy had obviously gone through a lot of effort and expense though; it would feel kind of shitty to just toss them out.

 _He can’t really be in love with me, can he? I mean he’s straight, for one thing._ Adam sat down amidst the ugly flowers and pondered his situation for a while. There was nothing for it. He’d have to call Tommy and sort things out.

5

“You got the flowers!” Tommy said when he answered Adam’s call.

“Yes.”

He frowned at Adam’s tone. “You don’t like them.”

“No! I mean I was surprised is all and…it’s just…well, they’re black.”

“Yeah! Cool, huh? Black is your favorite color so I thought—”

“Uh huh,” said Adam, which made Tommy’s frown deepen. Finding a florist that would dye that many roses had been a lot of work. “Look,” Adam went on, “what is this really all about?”

“I already told you, I’m in love with you.”

“Are you sure?”

Tommy bristled at that. “Well duh, you think I haven’t thought about this for years? Think this is just some passing fancy? Think I’d go through all this if I wasn’t sure?”

“But…you’re straight.”

“That doesn’t matter.”

“How doesn’t it matter? You like girls!”

“I like you. I love you, Adam. I know there’s always been something between us and if you’d just give me a chance…”

There was a pause. Tommy held his breath, his heart pounding painfully. The pause seemed to go on forever. “Well?”

Adam’s voice was quiet, gentle even. “I don’t want to ruin our friendship.”

“It wouldn’t!” said Tommy, “It would be better! Please, Adam, just—”

“No. I can’t, I’m sorry,” said Adam, and he hung up.

Tommy allowed himself to cry for a minute, because there was a giant hole in his life, in his heart, and the only thing that would fill it was Adam. Every day he’d been with Adam was a happy one, and every day without him a fucking miserable one. _I need him._ Tommy wiped his nose on his sleeve and cleared his throat. Time for stage two.

6

Adam cried, too. Of course he was attracted to Tommy. He always had been. And of course he loved Tommy, as deeply as any friend could love another. That was the problem, or one of the problems anyway. Their friendship meant too much to him to mess with. Plus he knew that nothing good came from dicking around with a straight boy. He kicked a bouquet of roses across the room. Why did this have to happen? And why now, when he had just come back from touring, which was always a lonely time for him. He called Danielle for advice but mostly to complain and get sympathy.

“Well you did the right thing,” she said, much to Adam’s satisfaction. “Whether he’s serious or confused or whatever, it’ll only end up badly for you.”

“I know. I just feel like such a jerk.”

“He’ll recover. I mean you’re not that irresistible,” she said, and continued over Adam’s feeble chuckle. “Anyway it’s better that you’re honest with him now and don’t lead him on. It’ll be easier for him that way.”

“Yeah. Do you think…do you…” Adam could barely get the words out. “Does this mean our friendship is over?” Just saying it made his heart hurt. Tears sprung to his eyes at the very idea that he’d never see Tommy again.

“I guess that’s up to him, isn’t it?”

“I guess so,” Adam croaked, willing himself to get it together. He blamed himself. If he’d never kissed Tommy on stage…

“Uh uh,” said Danielle, “you stop that right now. I know what you’re thinking and it’s not your fault. Tommy said it was no big deal back then, that he knew it was just for the fans and you checked in with him all the time about it. He understood the difference between performance and real life. Adam?”

“I’m here. Okay.”

“Okay, what?”

“Okay it’s not my fault.”

“Good boy. Listen, I’ve got to get going. I’m late for dinner with my folks. You going to be all right tonight?”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” he said, with a little more conviction.

“Okay. Love you.”

“Love you, too.”

He sat on the couch, alone again with the god-awful roses. He’d give Tommy some time to get over it, and maybe their friendship would be salvageable. He could only hope. The next day he threw all the roses away except for one, which he kept as a reminder to never take friendships for granted.

A week after the roses, he got another delivery, this time in the mail. It was a mix CD of love songs. Adam told himself not to listen to it, to send it back to Tommy as a clear message, but curiosity got the best of him. What kind of love songs would Tommy Joe Ratliff put together for him? One screaming song by Marilyn Manson later, Adam had his answer. _Doesn’t he know me at all?_ He put the CD in the box and mailed it back to Tommy the next day.

7

There was never a better word to describe heartbreak than heartbreak. As Tommy cradled the returned CD in his hands, the crack in his heart grew longer and deeper. It was almost to the edges; a few more inches and his heart would split in two. Out of desperation, he launched stage three of his woo-Adam-plan right away instead of waiting another week. He put a little scotch tape on his heartbreak and prayed that it would hold.

8

The subject of the email said: I’m sorry. Adam narrowed his eyes at it. Had Tommy come to his senses after all? He opened the email expecting to find an explanation, but there was only a link that said: CLICK HERE. Alarm bells went off in Adam’s head. Only a complete idiot would click on an unknown and mysterious link that said CLICK HERE. He almost deleted the email, and would have if he hadn’t seen something he’d missed at first glance. A few spaces down from the link was a single word: please. It tugged at Adam as if he’d been hooked by a lure.

Groaning in anxiety, Adam clicked on the link. _I am a complete idiot._ A webpage opened to YouTube and a video began to auto play. Adam’s groan quickly turned into a growl as he cursed Tommy. “You manipulative bastard…you little shit.” He’d seen the video before, many times in fact, too many. At one point long ago he’d even had to break the habit of watching it when he and Sauli had started to date. It was a compilation of all his kisses with Tommy during the GlamNation Tour and oh god, the number of times he’d jerked off to it. 

He needed to stop the video immediately. Stop. Right now. Right. Now. He couldn’t keep watching but he had to keep watching, his eyes were glued and his hand heading down, playing with the button on his jeans, fingering it, tapping the metal with his nails. _One more kiss, just one more and I’ll stop._ The taste of Tommy was on his lips, easily recalled after so many samplings. He barely noticed the sound of his zipper opening, slowly, tooth by tooth, tick…tick…tick…the feel of Tommy’s jaw in his hands as he brushed those beautiful cheekbones with his thumbs, soft skin, lips pressing, tongues entwining...

Tick.

It was over in seconds. A few pumps, a guilty moan and he was spilling into his hand. “Bastard,” he mumbled, but there was the tiniest thread of a thought in his mind, wondering what it would be like to… “No.” Adam got up, washed his hands and tried to wash Tommy from his brain.

9

Tommy waited two weeks before implementing his last attempt, partly because he wanted to give Adam time to think and partly because he was terrified. He couldn’t sing for shit, but that wasn’t what was freaking him out. If Adam rejected him after this, Tommy would be left with a pile of shards that used to be his heart. It had taken him two years to realize that he loved Adam, two more to understand that it was real love and a whole year to grow the balls to do something about it. So not to be melodramatic, but he didn’t know how he’d face his life if Adam said no.

The night before he made his attempt, he binge watched Mad Men on Netflix to keep his mind occupied. “Come here, girl,” he said to his dog, patting the couch beside him. She jumped up and he cuddled her close. “He has to say yes. He’ll say yes, right, Etta?” Etta snuffled his ear. “He’ll say yes,” Tommy whispered, then opened his laptop and settled in for another lonely night.

Twenty-four hours later he was at Adam’s gate, half hoping that no one was home, his hand trembling as he pressed the buzzer. Then he adjusted his guitar strap, plucked a few strings out of nervousness and waited. 

“What are you doing here?” came Adam’s voice over the intercom.

Tommy took a deep breath and started playing. That was the easy part; he’d learned this song as a boy. Singing, though…well, he’d do just about anything for Adam. He picked out the notes effortlessly, trying to get lost in the melody. He heard Adam say his name just as he began to sing.

“So close no matter how far…couldn't be much more from the heart…forever trusting who we are…and nothing else matters…” There was a waver in his voice and it sounded thin and sort of pathetic, but it matched how he felt so what the fuck.

“Tommy,” said Adam again.

Tommy plowed on, pouring himself into the words, begging Adam to listen. “Never opened myself this way…life is ours, we live it our way…all these words I don't just say…and nothing else matters…” If there was such thing as a higher power then it was made of music and the kind of spirit that Metallica had created with this song. Tommy’s voice grew stronger, his heart more courageous and when he got to the chorus he belted it out the best could.

10

“Tommy,” Adam said, this time to himself and in a whisper. He put his fingers to his mouth and shook his head, watching the screen in near disbelief. What he heard was so plaintive, so desperate and so…real…that Adam would have to be dead not to be moved by it. He opened the gate.

11

Tommy ran. He left his car, left his guitar and he ran all the way to Adam’s house. He was sure he’d never moved so fast in his entire life. When he got to the door he expected Adam to throw it open and embrace him and kiss him like a scene out of the cheesiest movie. Instead he was stopped short by a chain lock. Adam looked at him through the gap.

“Let me in…please,” Tommy gasped, still out of breath from the run.

“No,” said Adam, “because I really want to kiss you right now and I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“It’s a fucking fantastic idea,” said Tommy, longing for Adam’s lips on his with every fiber of his being.

“No.”

“One date then. Just one date, no kissing or anything just please…give me a chance, please, Adam.”

Adam frowned but didn’t say no again and didn’t close the door. Tommy waited, not daring to speak and fuck this up.

Finally Adam sighed. “One date. As friends.”

“As friends with potential.”

“Fine,” said Adam, and then, “Tommy, don’t get your hopes up. I’m only saying yes because I’d be the meanest son of a bitch alive if I said no after what you just did out there.”

“I’ll take it.” Only someone in love like this could understand and accept the powerlessness that came with it.

12

_Danielle is gonna kill me. I’m gonna kill me. Fuck. This is all kinds of wrong._ He’d seen the look in Tommy’s eyes. It was the way he’d once looked at Brad, and at Sauli. It was worse than not wanting to dick around with a straight boy. Tommy actually loved him, and he did not love Tommy, not the way Tommy wanted him to.

“Tell him you changed your mind,” said Danielle, sounding so angry that Adam held the phone away from his ear a little. “You send him a message right now and tell him you made a mistake. I’ll wait.”

“But if you’d heard him singing—”

“I don’t care if he sang like Whitney Houston, this is all going to blow up in your face and you know it. You’re going to get hurt and so is he.”

“It’s just one date, as friends.” Adam didn’t know why he was defending himself when he completely agreed with her. 

She huffed. “I’ll be here when you come crying, but don’t expect a lot of sympathy.”

Adam didn’t blame her. He was mad at himself, too, but not mad enough to change his mind. Tommy deserved a date after all the efforts he’d made (even though the kissing video was a blatant attempt to appeal to his dick). Adam would just be clear at the end of the “date" that things were not going to work out but that he still loved Tommy as a friend.

Since Adam was the one with all the power (he knew this because he had also been hopelessly in love before), he made all the decisions about the date. He picked the day and time and where they would meet. A very public, non-romantic place would be best, but it had to have good food. Even the most awkward situation was more tolerable if there was good food. He and Tommy both liked Mexican so he chose Tortilla Republic and told Tommy to be there at five o’ clock, a thoroughly non-romantic hour.

Adam showed up in jeans and a T-shirt and Tommy showed up in a suit. Tommy looked good in it, so Adam let it slide, and fortunately it wasn’t a sign of how the night would go. Far from behaving like a lovesick, fawning idiot, Tommy just acted like himself and Adam was grateful. He even enjoyed the evening and thought that it might be easier than anticipated to let Tommy down gently. The kiss was unintentional.

13

Although outwardly cool and collected, Tommy felt like there was a snake pit in his stomach filled to the brim with wriggling, venomous things ready to strike. One wrong move and he was a dead man. He tried to relax, but there was so much at stake. It’d taken him over an hour to get ready and he still didn’t think his hair had turned out right. He tried not to play with it too much during dinner.

“So tell me about the tour. How did it go?” he asked Adam, as if he didn’t know, as if he hadn’t watched every video stream.

Adam talked about the shows, how incredible the audiences had been and that he was really happy with all the good reviews. He talked with his hands, which Tommy adored; it made him want to sigh and make googly eyes, but he just smiled and listened and kept his eyes normal. When it was his turn to talk he said a few things about writing music and nothing about how much time he spent smoking weed, playing video games and jerking off to fantasies of Adam fucking him. An hour into the date they got on the subject of good Netflix shows, and he was finally able to relax.

To his amazement, he was successful in convincing Adam to go for a walk in the park just around the corner. “It’s a nice night,” was all he’d had to say.

14

Because Adam thought that it would be the perfect opportunity to have a heart to heart with Tommy. The script was already written in his mind: You are one of my best friends and I love you like a brother and I know how much this going to hurt but…

They were sitting on a bench watching a bunch of fat pigeons waddle around. Adam turned to Tommy with every intention of delivering his speech, but when Tommy looked up at him, he happened to see something on Tommy’s neck that erased all words and intentions. It was a tiny Eye of Horus tattoo, almost hidden by Tommy’s shirt collar but unmistakably there. Adam leaned in to get a better look. He studied it, and then found himself studying Tommy’s lips. They were slightly open, waiting. He had never been this close to Tommy’s lips without kissing them, so it felt perfectly natural to do so. But it was not an act this time. There was no audience except for the pigeons.

A brief press, warm and familiar, and Adam heard words coming out of his mouth. “Okay, I’m not promising anything, but okay.”

**The Courtship**

15

Adam didn’t tell Danielle right away; he was too scared. Once he’d had a few dates with Tommy, then he’d tell her. At least then he could say that things were going well. So what if he was living on hope and a prayer? He and Tommy couldn’t continue their friendship at this point anyway; would it be that wrong, really, to have some fun together? Maybe he would actually fall in love, and what was so bad about giving it a shot?

16

Helium balloons have to be tied down so they don’t float away, but there was no tether that could keep Tommy on the ground. He tried to go about his daily life and found it extremely difficult to focus. Giddiness kept bubbling up inside him whenever he thought about Adam (which was pretty much all the time). _He said yes, he said yes!_ Tommy knew that Adam wasn’t in love with him and that was okay. Adam would certainly grow to love him, and in the mean time they would have a blast dating and kissing and having sex and holding hands and watching movies and and and…

He laughed out loud, startling poor Etta from a nap one Friday afternoon. “Sorry,” he said, laughing again, “but he said yes!” It was almost surreal, as if another Tommy whose insides were made of sunshine and candy had kicked out the slouching, gloomy Tommy. He didn’t care. It felt _so good_ to be happy, like really happy, like sunshine and candy happy.

Tommy busted out his favorite guitar and played a few licks of a new song he’d been experimenting with. Feeling suddenly inspired, he continued working on it, and after an hour he was pleased with the result. _Adam is my muse._ He’d never had a muse before and thought it was pretty damn cool to have one now. He considered spending more time on the song, but a quick glance at his phone told him he needed to get a move on. He had an appointment to get manscaped in preparation for his next date with Adam. They had agreed to take things slowly, but he didn’t want to be caught with hair down there if Adam changed his mind. 

And thank god he was in love with Adam; there was no way he’d have been able to tolerate the pain of getting his nether parts waxed otherwise.

He needn’t have worried, however, because Adam did not change his mind about sex, insisting that they limit physical affection to kissing only for now. This worked for about two hours.

They were at Adam’s house and had abandoned the horror movie Tommy brought over in favor of making out. What started as light kissing quickly became hot and heavy. Tommy was doing his best to encourage it by letting out tiny moans that seemed to make Adam kiss him harder.

“You’re being…very difficult,” said Adam, panting a little. 

“Good,” said Tommy. He straddled Adam’s lap and rolled his hips a few times, hoping that Adam would get rough with him, would push him down onto the couch and manhandle him.

“Oh god, don’t do that, don’t…” Adam let his head fall back and groaned as if he were in pain. “You’re asking for trouble…you want trouble, don’t you?”

“Yes please,” said Tommy, grinding Adam a few more times. That did it; Adam was on him in seconds, one knee already spreading his thighs apart. He was way more aroused than he’d ever been with a girl, and he supposed that made him gay, or maybe just gay for Adam. It didn’t matter. All he cared about was Adam’s hot breath on his neck, fingers cupping his shoulder blades and reckless dry humping that made him so hard it hurt.

He came first, hips jerking and head spinning, his hands automatically riding up the back of Adam’s shirt and scratching bare skin.

“Fuck,” Adam grunted as he bore down, and Tommy was pleased that he’d done that, done something to make Adam come. He wanted to learn more ways to do it. “Trouble,” said Adam after their post-orgasm kiss, “that’s what you are. With a capital T.”

Tommy smiled.

17

On the next date, Adam gave Tommy a handjob and enjoyed it immensely. Tommy was on the small side, but fit perfectly in Adam’s hand. Tommy wanted to reciprocate and Adam let him. True it wasn’t the best he’d ever had, but Tommy would get better with time and Adam was just happy to have someone else touching him. Things progressed from there with Adam playing teacher. He didn’t mind; he’d done it before and there was the added benefit that Tommy was learning to do everything the way Adam liked it. When it came to rimming, however, Adam was pleasantly surprised. Tommy seemed to have a natural instinct for it, and Adam spent many a night getting off to memories of Tommy’s sweet tongue licking him long and fast, with what seemed to be endless stamina.

So far they had not ventured from Adam’s house. Adam would invite Tommy over for dinner and a movie, then they’d get down and dirty. Sometimes they actually watched the movie. They’d hang out a bit more and then Adam would kiss Tommy goodnight and send him home. Adam thought things were going smoothly. He was having fun and Tommy was easy to be around. By the end of six weeks, however, Tommy brought something up that Adam had unconsciously been avoiding.

“How come we aren’t going out on dates?” asked Tommy as they cuddled on the couch. “Like out to dinner or a movie instead of here, or to a club, or even to my house for a change?”

Adam was silent, not wanting to say what he was thinking, that he wasn’t ready to be seen in public with Tommy as a couple. _That’s not really fair though. You agreed to give this a real chance, and keeping it a secret seems pretty hypocritical._

“Adam? I mean, we’re boyfriends now, aren’t we?”

He noted the sadness in Tommy’s voice and thought of something to say. “Yes, of course we are. And well, I guess for one thing, you’d be publically outing yourself…I mean, if you are even, you know…out?”

“Like I’ve ever given a fuck what people think of me. And I’m not sure yet what I am. Is that okay with you?”

Adam nodded and said of course it was okay, not wanting to admit that it made him more than a little nervous. “I bet the fandom would go ballistic.”

“Yeah,” Tommy said, now laughing. “They really will.”

“All right then,” said Adam, “let’s do it up right. We’ll go out next time and give the paps something to write about.”

“And then we should totally watch Twitter blow up.” 

“Oh my god, yes,” said Adam, bursting into a fit of giggles.

They had a good time planning it all out, and Adam made a mental note to tell Danielle before she found out on Twitter.

He invited her over the very next day and prepared her favorite tea and snacks. She took one look at them, arranged so thoughtfully on the coffee table, and sighed.

“You’re dating him, aren’t you?”

Adam gave her a scared smile, all eyebrows and teeth. “Yes?”

She sighed again, sat down and popped a Pepperidge Farm cookie into her mouth. 

Before she could swallow it and start lecturing him, Adam said, “Look, I know it’s risky and probably dumb, but I really want to give this a try. What if it works out?”

“He’s not gay,” she said after taking a sip of tea.

“You don’t know that.”

“And you’re not in love with him.”

“That could change,” said Adam.

“Seriously?” said Danielle, but she held her hands up before Adam could respond. “All right, all right. I’ll support you on this, but only because I love you.”

Relieved, Adam hugged her tightly. “Thank you,” he said, resting his forehead on hers.

“You’re welcome, you big dork.”

18

Three days later, Adam and Tommy went to dinner together and then took a walk down Sunset Boulevard. They held hands, shared kisses and laughed at each other’s jokes. The paparazzi buzzed around them constantly, but since Adam and Tommy had planned for this, it didn’t bother them. Adam even answered a few questions. “Yes we are dating now. No we haven’t been together long. And Tommy’s sexual identity is none of your business.”

They got together the next day at Adam’s and camped out in front of their laptops with some Tequila, ready for the storm. 

And then, all over the world, people lost their shit. 

Die-hard Tommy fans tweeted that they were crying tears of joy, but most of the fandom was shocked. A bunch of fans even accused the couple of putting on an act for the cameras, just for fun, just to mess with people. Adam and Tommy’s Twitter feeds were going so fast they couldn’t keep up. They saw lots of exclamation points and everyone was asking them to confirm, confirm, please confirm!!!!!

They let it go for a bit and drank more shots of tequila than was reasonable before responding. Tommy wrote: Hi yes confirm that Adam and I are dated;.) Adam’s was a little better, a little less on the drunk tweeting side: Hello fans!!! Its true that I dating Tommy, it wasn’t acting. Their tweets just made matters worse; now everyone thought that their accounts had been hacked. Attempts to explain with “no hacked” and “its relly me” didn’t help, but by this time they were past caring and way past sober.

Tommy slid off the couch and onto the floor. He couldn’t stop laughing, and although he felt bad for his fans, there was nothing he could do about it at the moment. He was too far gone. He didn’t even notice that Adam was playing with his hair until he felt a sharp tug. Suddenly he was looking straight up and into Adam’s eyes. Adam had a tight grip on his hair and was pulling hard enough to hurt, but Tommy kind of liked it.

“Hi,” he said, still giggling. 

“Hi yerself,” said Adam, who had quickly overcome his laughter and was looking at Tommy with open lust.

Tommy stopped giggling and hummed the tune to Marvin Gaye’s Let’s Get it On, which made Adam chuckle briefly, but then he was all business again. Tommy grinned, crawled back onto the couch and then crawled up Adam. “How ‘bout you fuck me?” he whispered into Adam’s ear.

“How ‘bout I do,” said Adam.

19

Although Adam was pretty wasted, there was one rational thought left in his brain: don’t hurt Tommy, and so he took things much slower than he would have otherwise. It was a battle; his urgent need for Tommy warring with that one thought, and then there was all that tequila making him hazy dazy horny. He didn’t trust himself, but he couldn’t stop himself either. First he kissed Tommy, then fondled him a while and then went back to kissing, and Tommy just let him do whatever, just rode the wave of Adam’s desire and indecision. Every so often Adam would say I need this or I want that and Tommy just kept saying okay, okay.

He was going to have a bad case of blue balls soon if he didn’t get things going. Fortunately it didn’t require any brains to go get a condom and lube; it was a habit and Adam followed it automatically. When he came back from his room, Tommy was naked.

“Fuck me,” said Adam, swaying on his feet a bit, whether from alcohol or longing he couldn’t tell.

“No you fuck me,” said Tommy, laughing. He bent over and shook his ass, so Adam gave it a smack. Tommy’s dick jumped and Adam saw; he spanked Tommy again with the same result.

“Well looky you…you’re a spanker wanker.”

“A wha—”

Adam didn’t wait for him to finish. He laid in, spanking Tommy’s tiny ass cheek again and again until Tommy was on all fours and begging to come. Adam crouched down behind him, spread his cheeks and gave his hole a long lick, then reached around and pumped him once. Tommy arched his back and cried out.

“Spanker wanker,” said Adam again. Then he went to work on opening Tommy up.

20

Being licked was all good (and so was being spanked apparently), but the fingers felt weird. Tommy tried playing with his dick while Adam fingered him, and that was better. Pressure, and more pressure. “How many?” he asked.

“Three,” said Adam, “goin’ for one more and hey…check this out…”

Tommy suddenly felt like he had to pee, but then the sensation changed, a zing shot through his dick and swooped up into his stomach. He gasped. “Again,” he said, catching his breath. Adam did it again but didn’t stop this time. The zing was a swoop and a pulse pulse pulse of pure pleasure. “I gotta pee, no I gotta come…I gotta come!” Tommy shouted, and still Adam continued, stroking his prostate, sweeping across it repeatedly. He was shaking and achingly hard. “Come, come, come,” he chanted, and Adam chuckled saying I know, I know but still didn’t stop. All Tommy could do was buck his hips while his cock strained and strained. “Come, come, come…” Then Adam touched his dick, just the head and very lightly, and Tommy lost it for the second time that night.

When Adam finally entered him he was so relaxed and blissed out that it didn’t really hurt. The tequila helped, too. Plus he loved Adam and was sure that had something to do with it.

21

Adam pushed Tommy’s knees way back. “Good, so good,” he said, looking at Tommy’s opening and feeling pleased with his work. Oh the number of times he’d had this fantasy, and here he was, about to do it for real. He went as slow as he could manage, but it wasn’t easy. Most of his dreams involved pounding Tommy’s ass into the ground. He gritted his teeth and kept checking with Tommy – are you good? – until he was finally in. Then he shuddered and tried not to come immediately. He’d been alone a long time. When Tommy wrapped his legs around Adam though, he had to move; it was instinct. He pulled out a little, breath hitching and hoping that Tommy was okay (he knew he was enormous compared to Tommy’s tiny body), but he didn’t have the ability to ask just then.

“Yeah,” said Tommy, answering anyway.

Adam leaned down and sucked Tommy’s earlobe into his mouth to say thank you. He was one-fifth more sober than he’d been when he’d started an hour ago, and that helped; now he could concentrate a little better. He got a rhythm going, slow and shallow at first, then deeper with each thrust.

“Hey, hi, you beautiful thing,” he said, nuzzling Tommy’s ear, reaching down to stroke him a little, and felt his body respond, tighten up, and Tommy hummed and bit his lip. “Beautiful,” Adam said again as he licked where teeth met lip. Tommy opened his mouth and moaned and Adam fucked him harder, faster, bringing his fantasies to life. He came with Tommy’s nails scrambling up and down his back. They kissed, and Adam felt his heart stir and thought that it was a good sign.

In the days and weeks that followed, the sex got better but Adam’s heart remained where it always had been.

“You’re using him,” Danielle said to him one day.

“Not on purpose. I’m trying to fall in love with him.”

“You’re trying to fall in love with him. Good god, do you even hear yourself?”

Adam winced, and tried harder.

22

Truth be told, Tommy was glad he’d been drunk for his virgin fuck. Dreams and reality weren’t the same thing and the alcohol had made him braver and had taken the sting out of being penetrated by Adam’s monstrous cock. He didn’t know what time it was, the middle of the night maybe. His head hurt and so did his ass, but he was happy. They were still on Adam’s couch, cuddled up and so warm that Tommy quickly went back to sleep with a smile on his lips. _He’ll fall in love with me._

The problem with his certitude was that it kept popping up in the form of a question on his face – do you love me yet? – every time he was with Adam. He didn’t realize he was doing this and couldn't have guessed how awful it made Adam feel. The media circuit and the fandom eventually settled down and accepted them as a couple, and Tommy was enjoying being Adam’s boyfriend. Besides being with the person he loved, it had serious perks. 

His new “fans” were the only thing that occasionally bummed him out. All they wanted was details on Adam and they constantly pestered him for photos. He ignored them and continued to interact with his regular fans, those who liked him for him. About four months into his relationship with Adam, he was absent mindedly playing with his food and thinking that he might start blocking some of those non-fans.

“Um, hello, earth to Tommy,” said Adam.

Tommy snapped to attention. “Sorry, got lost in thought. What did you want to tell me?”

“I was going to tell you about this idea I had,” said Adam, pulling what looked like a brochure out of his pocket. He hesitated for a second, then handed it across the table to Tommy.

Tommy’s eyes went wide. “You want to go here? I mean with me? I mean together as a couple?”

“Yes, yes I do. What do you think?”

“I think hell yes let’s go!” Tommy was elated. Only serious couples went on a retreat to the Ventana Inn. _He must be falling for me!_ Tommy desperately wanted to ask, but thought that maybe Adam was saving his declaration of love as a surprise for the romantic getaway. He could see it now, the beautiful beaches of Big Sur and luxuries that the Ventana Inn was well known for, and there would be Adam (maybe at sunset on the beach) saying I love you. Like an overexcited kid, Tommy began begging for details. When would they go, how long would they stay, what should he pack, how many condoms did Adam think they’d need, and so on. 

“Easy boy,” Adam chuckled. “I’ll book it for a weekend two weeks from now and don’t worry, I’ll supply all the condoms.” He leaned forward and kissed Tommy on the cheek. “You are seriously cute sometimes.”

It took all of his willpower not to say I love you to Adam just then. _Two weeks. After two weeks, I’ll be saying it all the time._

23

Adam wanted to fall in love with Tommy. He thought they could be really good together long term, if only Adam loved him. Instead of being preoccupied with Tommy, instead of being irrationally drawn to him like a magnet, Adam simply enjoyed him when they were together. He didn’t have that feeling of wanting to share every moment with Tommy. There was no fading of life into the background while Tommy stood resplendent and without any faults. He just wasn’t in love. Maybe he needed more time, but he knew deep down that that wasn’t it. Or maybe it was because they were as different as night and day, but no, Adam was sure that wasn’t the problem either. He liked that they were different. In fact, he didn’t know what his problem was, but maybe it would go away with the help of a romantic weekend.

He wasn’t behaving honestly and that troubled him a great deal, but worse than that was the thought that he’d failed and would have to break Tommy’s heart. The retreat had to work, because otherwise he was just using Tommy for sex and companionship and that wasn’t okay. 

Had he been thinking clearly (or if he had talked to Danielle about it, which he didn’t do because he’d had the feeling she wouldn’t approve) he would have understood that the trip was a terrible idea and would most certainly give Tommy the wrong impression. But his thoughts were all focused, ironically, on not disappointing Tommy.

On the flight to Big Sur (they took a private jet courtesy of Adam), he dealt with his nerves by acting overly chipper. Tommy noticed.

“Excited?” asked Tommy, the glint in his eye clearly showing his own excitement.

“You bet,” said Adam, squeezing his thigh.

He was fairly impressed with the luxury of the Ventana Inn, which was saying a lot since he lived in luxury on a daily basis. It was exquisitely appointed with a king size bed, a wood-burning fireplace, a marble walk-in shower and a private hot tub. _We can definitely have some fun in there._

“Man,” said Tommy as they walked around their suite. “This place really lives up to rumor.” He nodded at the fireplace and the sheepskin rug in front of it. “Pretty romantic, huh?”

“Sure is.” Maybe a passionate make out session by the fire would kindle the spark that he was looking for.

Once they were settled in, they ordered room service and made plans over lunch to get a couples massage, attend a wine tasting, and walk the beaches. That evening was extremely pleasant. Tommy was now comfortable enough with sex that Adam could be rough with him. He pulled Tommy into the shower, pinned him against the hard marble tiles and slammed into him. Tommy was a slut for it, especially when Adam added in some spanking.

They did it again on the sheepskin rug in front of the fireplace, slow and tender to sounds of the fire crackling and popping. He brushed the hair from Tommy’s face and looked into his eyes; they were shining with love. Adam checked in with his own heart. _Anything yet? Nope._

Adam finally realized his mistake the next day as they went through their itinerary. With each activity, he felt increasingly awkward while Tommy seemed to grow ever more misty-eyed and expectant. He kept gazing at Adam as if waiting for something…something….

 _Oh shit._ Adam closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose.

“You okay?” asked Tommy. They had just finished their massages and were heading back to the room to get changed for dinner.

“Yeah, you know, sometimes I get headaches after a massage.”

Tommy nodded in understanding. “Drink lots of water when we get to the room, that’ll help.”

“Mmm-hmm.” _He’s waiting for me to tell him I love him. He thinks that’s why I brought him here._ Adam’s stomach twisted right up. _What the actual fuck is wrong with me?_ Not only could he not seem to fall in love with a great guy, but he also brought that great guy to a romantic getaway without considering the message it would send. He felt so awful that it kind of ruined the fun he hoped to have with Tommy in the hot tub that night.

They still got in it and kissed and gave each other handjobs, but the wind had been taken out of Adam’s sails, so to speak. Tommy thought it was funny, and blamed Adam’s weak showing on the hot water. Adam laughed it off, too, and prayed that the rest of the weekend would fly by. It did not. It seemed to mock him by lollygagging and presenting him with every opportunity to see just what a mess he’d made. 

What should have been the climax of the trip, the moment when Adam and Tommy were supposed to exchange I love yous while watching the sunset, was the most uncomfortable hour Adam could ever remember spending with anyone.

24

Tommy tried not to be disappointed when, all weekend long, Adam seemed to be missing opportunities to declare his love. Once after the shower sex on the first night and again that night after they’d done it on the sheepskin rug in front of the fireplace. Then there was the wine tasting, where all the other couples made toasts to each other; that would have been perfect. And this morning while they cuddled in bed and Adam was gently stroking the tattoo on Tommy’s neck. He convinced himself that Adam was waiting for this evening when they planned to take a walk on the beach and watch the sun go down. It was their last night at the inn. _He’ll say it, I know he will._

His steps were buoyant and his fingers laced firmly with Adam’s as they strolled through the sand. It was a gorgeous evening. The sky was streaked with lilac and gold, birds flew across the disappearing sun and the stage was set. Tommy led Adam to a bench and they sat down. Adam put an arm around him and he snuggled in. This was it.

“Beautiful,” said Adam, his eyes on the sky.

“Yeah,” said Tommy. _Any minute now._

But as the sun continued to sink, so did Tommy’s heart. Why wasn’t he saying it? _Maybe he’s nervous. Maybe he just needs some encouragement._ “Adam?”

Adam didn’t even turn to face him. “Yeah?”

“Do you love me?”

“Sure I do,” said Adam, still not looking at him.

Tommy felt the lie plunge into his cracked heart and sever the tape that had been holding it together.

They didn’t speak after that. They walked back to the hotel, ate dinner in silence and went to bed. Tommy crawled in next to Adam, because despite his anger and pain, he still wanted Adam’s comfort. How fucked up was that? And Adam still comforted him, spooning him and caressing his hair as he cried.

“I’m sorry,” Adam finally whispered, breaking the silence.

“Fuck you,” Tommy whispered back through his tears.

**The End**

25

The flight home was agonizing. They only had one conversation, and Adam missed the awkward silence as soon as Tommy opened his mouth and asked, “Why?”

Adam played with a ring on his pinky, still unable to look Tommy in the eye. “Why what?”

“Why don’t you love me?”

“I don’t know. I tried, I really did. I thought that this weekend might help. It was dumb. I’m sorry.”

And that was it. Tommy didn’t say anything for the rest of the journey, and neither did Adam. Tommy took a cab home from the airport, and Adam went to Danielle’s and cried on her shoulder and asked her to say I told you so, because he felt like he deserved it. He didn’t know what would happen next, if he and Tommy could ever be friends again. It was a terrible loss, and he grieved deeply.

He didn’t expect to hear from Tommy, if ever, so he was shocked to get a call from him only a week later. _Maybe he wants to yell at me. That’s fine. I deserve that._ But Tommy didn’t want to yell.

“Can I come over?” he asked, sounding tired and depressed. When Adam asked why, he said, “Because I still love you and I still…need you, want to be with you…just one more time.” He paused and stifled a sob while Adam was already shaking his head no. “Please, one last time, let me feel you, let me say goodbye.” 

“Tommy, no, I mean, why do you want to torture yourself like that?”

“Because I pushed you into this, I wouldn’t take no for an answer.”

“It was my fault,” said Adam, “I should never have said yes.” Tommy started crying again and Adam’s lip quivered. “Tommy, my sweet Tommy, god I’m so fucking sorry.”

“I know. I’m sorry, too.”

They shared their sorrow for a long time, just weeping into the phone, until Adam finally relented and allowed Tommy to come over.

They kissed through the gap in Adam’s front door, for he refused to unlock the chain, and then they said goodbye.

Adam walked into his room, took the single black rose from its vase and held it to his heart.

26

Tommy went home and cuddled Etta, and then he cuddled his guitar and wrote a song. Tears fell from his eyes as he played. They landed on his guitar, rolled down its smooth body and into its hollow heart.

 

-End


End file.
